Inappropriate Super Hero

For those of you that don't have children, especially the four year old boy variety, the announcement of bath time goes like this....

Me: "Okay, there, bud!  It's time to get clean!"
Son: (Melting into a heap and slipping quickly into whining and crying) "I don't want to take a bath!"  "Why do I always have to take a bath?" Lather, rinse, repeat.

At this point I usually revert to my power through MO.  For some reason it is much easier for me to deal with the effort it takes to ignore (ie: not engage in conversation) and quickly bathe a very strung out, irrational, crying and slightly writhing child than it does to opt for the distract and accommodate method.

So, this means I simply do everything for him without asking for him to try to comply with anything.  Understandably,  he does this as not want to enter into a breech of contract situation with satan.  His contract clearly states that he must categorically disagree and/or complain about every single thing I say or do.  If I request that he take off his clothes, he whines or makes up something like, "my zipper is too stuck, my pants are too tight, my arms won't get out of my shirt, etc., etc."  Pants that were too loose just that morning, have been magically transformed and shrunk over the course of the day.

If I give him a choice of whether he wants to turn the bath water on or if I should, both are unacceptable options.  Then, the water is 2.7 degrees too cold or too hot, the washcloth is too scratchy, the soap is too soapy, his 98% healed owie all of sudden because too sensitive to come in contact with water.

Well, somehow, we rapidly make it through bath time, the water is draining and his mood is taking a turn for the better, like the calm after a violent tropical hurricane.  Smiling, I tell him, "See?  That wasn't so bad.  That was so quick!  You're Captain Quick Bath!"

His towel is hanging up on the back of his bedroom door so I sprint into the other room to grab it while I hear a conversation, or more specifically, a super hero name slam beginning between my son and his older sister, who is brushing her teeth.  "I'm Captain Silly Head."
"You're Captain Foofoo Head." (Foo foo is their favorite word.  I don't know why.  But is repeated in many different variations precisely 384 time a day.)
"You're Captain Toothpaste."  
 As I come back into the bathroom I notice that my son, who has been getting chilled waiting for his towel,  has apparently enacted a survival technique that any male would do in this situation, protect admiral winky.
And then I hear him say, inspired by the current placement of his hands,.... (are you ready for this?).... "I'm Captain Squished Penis."

His father and I are so happy to have a super hero for a son.  Keeping the world a safer place one  unsquished dingle dong at a time.